Don’t Waste Time On Things That Don’t Feel Good

Don’t waste time on things that don’t feel good” She says to me smiling sweetly. It seems so simple when she says it in between bites of a delicious sinful egg and english muffin sandwich, comfort food I would never let myself have but would secretly crave. The strict New York woman I have become-gotta be fit!. And healthy.! No time for going off the diet… But secretly craving something sinful. She challenged me. To see how strict and regimented I had become. How often I didn’t let the animal instinctual part of myself out to taste life. To make mistakes and fall down and get a little messy in pursuit of the soul. Get a little messy in pursuit of soul….I had to say it again to hear the deliciousness of these words.

She had let herself do these things. Have a beer at 9 in the morning one time and smoke pot with the cute stranger at the party, when she had a serious client in the morning. One time she ditched out on two online course times just because she HAD to go dancing…..Somehow she was able to indulge in these things without letting it get like totally out of hand. She was able to take small sips of pleasure just to balance her equation of meditation, yoga, and the spiritual search. She was able somehow to stay balanced, whilst being a rebel. It was impressive. And I wanted it. And she knew I wanted it and I felt was secretly taunting me a little, in a good way, to make me see my own desires and witness my own up tightness….To also be show that it was okay, and actually beneficial to follow the path of the hedonist at times.  The sacred hedonist. Not to escape life but to celebrate it. There was a win win in celebration.

It created a spark. A glow. A fragrance of something wild and potential and illuminating. It opened doors, it signed checks, it got the balls rolling, it found partners and friends and houses and jobs. Because celebration was infectious. It was a fire that burned things down to open things back up. It was the magic elixir that juiced all the parts to keep them working and humming and loving and moving. Celebration. It was the ultimate YES to life and something this great planet was missing way too much of…because of a deep misunderstanding of what it actually was and is. Of the potent healing affect of celebration, of the way it challenged all our out dated beliefs that sacrafice was the way to the good life.

I began to look at all the things I had done that week that didn’t feel good. I continued to practice yoga at a studio that I just didn’t like. The teachers were rude, the postures made my body hurt and worse than that it smelled and the people looked a little bit crazy. But I continued to go, feeling bad about being “judgemental” and maybe it was “good for me”. But it wasn’t and I knew it. I had accepted an apartment in a neighborhood I had never felt good in. I thought well maybe this time, I would. But I didn’t. In fact I felt oppressed and un-inspired. Spending time with a friend whose beliefs and words about life left me feeling turned off and a bit retracted. A bit like “why am I hanging out with someone who believes these things about life and its people?“A bit like “why do I spend time in a place where I don’t feel seen or heard?” I found myself thinking maybe I was expecting too much….I was needy…I was wounded…..all of these thoughts made it MY fault. When maybe the person was kind of a jerk….You know, it happens like this sometimes. People are jerks and it has nothing to do with us. Why was it always my fault for whatever dynamic I was feeling with another? For sure there are two people creating the dynamic, but why was it always MY fault?

I began to notice all the ways I was not standing my ground for things I believe in, things I wanted, things I felt passionately for. At the movies with a friend I really wanted to see the one about the girl who keeps going but I found myself saying “whatever you want to see” to a friend who was more than happy to choose the one about the guy with the sword. As I was planning my travels to another city I found myself saying yes to accommodations I was less than jazzed about. Accommodations I could have created in a different way if I had only just chosen to go with the inner promptings and desire. Little things in life, but still….I was letting life just happen without my participation and I was desperate to figure out why. Why was I letting life pass me by without claiming some piece of it as mine instead of defaulting to whatever everybody else wanted? Why was what others wanted more important than what I wanted. Especially if in many circumstances there were some definite desires unfolding.….

I don’t have the answer yet, other than a cliche new age answer I can give you, that I really don’t want to give you until I have really worked it out within and revealed something of truth. I did however follow the reccomendation of a friend and ordered this book…


Blessings on your path…I will write more on this topic soon when I have uncovered a meaningful answer that isn’t straight up cliche or psycho spiritual babble:)



I absolutely adore Mystic Mamma’s posts. In this one she talks about February as being a month of committed choice. As someone who often has a challenging time to make a committed choice, I must say I find it refreshing to read this post which I feels breaks down a lot of the fear of the choice thing and how IMPORTANTE it is to gather this skill and apply THIS month…One of the committments I have made is to creating this blog with even more content and decadence, because I LOVE to write and share myself thru words, so expect alot more content from me and please comment at the bottom…

From Mommy Mystic:

“January’s theme of RESET brought with it numerous opportunities for change and change often brings choices and decisions.

“Some choices and decisions are generated by your own chosen resets and some are a result of a reset you may have experienced from the outside.

“As we enter February we encounter good influences that will take your choices and decisions and feed them with some momentum allowing for action, manifestation and flow.

“There are two elements that are necessary for this to happen: Commitment and discipline. Commitment to the choices and decisions you have made will ensure that you get the most out of them. It is a message to spirit that you are truly serious about what you have chosen and intended, what you desire and wish for.

“This is not a month to be sitting on the fence or to regret your choices or to think the grass is greener on the other side. This is a time to be committed to your life and the choices you have made in a way that leaves no room for ambivalence and no back door.” -Mommy Mystic

For more of this wonderful article that has helped me tremendously simply click here:

And as always if you are needing more support or are interested in tantric healings in person or by skype feel free to visit my website:

Blessings and Love Dear Friends….




Slowing Down:: Acknowledging Your Womb Wisdom:: 8 Delicious Ways to Be A Pussy

13162_840201576032683_9145546287106111740_nHave you heard that expression, “a woman’s work is never done”, well, you have because it’s true.  Women have more demands on them than any living creature I have ever known and are the most adept at juggling family life, career, health, hobbies, girlfriends, the emotional landscape of being woman, the societal demands on how we should look, and the pressures from our peers to be “Goddesses”. I use this term loosely, not because I don’t respect it as a word, nor because I don’t believe in the holy power of the goddess, She is definitely a living being. Starting with the ground we walk and the air we breathe. But I for one, am exhausted at how much I find myself running to keep up with everyone’s definition of what Goddess means, and what demands I have placed on myself to achieve this idea of perfection. To prove I am one.

When I got hit with the Flu for 3 days, something I never get, I just am not one of those people, I had to stop and pause for a second….And ask myself…why was I running myself so hard? What was I trying to prove with all the things I thought I was “doing”. And at the core of it was this ancient fear for the male “boss” I had projected my man wounds on and was afraid to voice myself too, afraid of being called a “Pussy”. Who wants to be a “pussy”? Wait, except, I loved pussies, so what was I so afraid of? I was all about Pussies….maybe I should just surrender and be a “pussy”…… and give it the correct definition.

So here it is…..(drum roll)


1. You don’t carry heavy shit. Look, you can, it’s not that you won’t but with all the things you are doing all day long, taking care of everyone, looking beautiful, finding god, making food, and organizing business meetings, you really don’t want to spend time carrying things that are 1/3 the weight for these other beings called Men. Why should you carry the heavy stuff? He’s better at it. Find a He and Ask. Usually, the great thing is, if you ask nice, they really like to flex their muscles.

2. You don’t PUSH…..You don’t PULL……you simply RECEIVE…..Read that once more. Out Loud. To everyone in sight. This is the new dawn of grace. Sometimes we are great at these words and lousy at the practice. We receive by tuning in and vibrating our goddess charms all thru us and shower them on life in all its manifestations…..This is called Magic. Magic is the stuff of dreams. Dreams are stuff of the night. The night has the moon. The moon is Her. You are Her. Enough said.

3. Your Womb Feeling is Your Gut Feeling, is Your Saving Grace…..: That means TUNE IN. All the time. Without this you will not hear the guidance that is flowing thru you like water, all the day and all the night. Give up trying to understand it. Just listen to it. Feel it. It’s often poetic, mostly wise and always very simple. It lives in your womb. Yes where babies are made and no you don’t need to have had a baby to sense it. It’s Womb Wisdom. Just go stare at that picture of that ex-boyfriend or girlfriend you left, that you knew was not good for you. Notice the feeling in your belly. That’s your womb talking to you. Loud and clear…You know when you know. We all have been there…

4. YES, Even Today Is a Good Day to Dress Up. Pretty Does Matter…..Because it matters to you…because it matters when and where and how you dress to please yourself. If you feel like dressing up or putting on lipstick or glitter or earrings or some strange feather eye mask, or your favorite sneakers you are allowed, because. You get to do what you want, because it feels good, because you know that feeling good, will help others have permission to feel good too. Because you just like it. Because its pretty.

5. WHEN TIRED….You Rest. This is a very, very  important one…when you are tired, that means rest. That means, you must tell others you are resting, that means you must take that rest to be mind/body/spirit rest. That means, you take your mind out of figuring out how it is all going to work out and you simply hand it over to the Goddess, and say “I am resting, can you hold this?”. And She Will. So. Just Do it. Rest.

6. JUICE YOURSELF:: This means two things;; drink fresh juice…like from vegetables. This is way way helpful. It makes your skin glow, your energy rise, it makes you happy. Second it means:: Do something fun. Take a dance class, see a girlfriend, paint your nails, go see good art, ride a bike, play with kids, watch the sunset, walk barefoot thru the sand, LAUGH, tell an erotic story, do something JUICY….related to fun, inspiration, creativity, sensuality…whatever it is that gets you saying YES to being alive. Go and do it. You can also do that too just make sure you also receive some pleasure and not just give.

7. You Help. You help others, when it also feels good for you. You don’t help when you are half falling over. You help when you truly have an overflowing cup and it is a pleasure to help. You help out of gratitude, out of joy, out of service to a larger universe. You help out of love. Not out of hoping to get some love, or helping with an agenda of the other person now helping you next, or with the idea that you “should” help. You help because it is intensely pleasurable. You help because it makes you happy. When someone needs help and you don’t have it to give, you look around for that person who does have it to give and you delegate. If it’s just you and you have 3 screaming kids and no man or woman around, you put a movie on, you call a friend, you do what you can to find the peace so that you also receive help. You help as much as you ask for help. Muy importante.

8. You like cats. Just kidding. But not really. Because if you want to truly be a pussy, just watch a cat. She/He will show you everything you need to know about perfecting the Art. Lie around, look deeply at life, move fast, leap, purr, scratch when you don’t like something, nuzzle in when you do, be gorgeous. It’s easy. And in only 8 steps…..Purrrr…..

Love to All the Women Out There Who Do More Than The World Will Ever Recognize.

I Recognize You and So Does She.

Love and Gratitude.


It’s a Guy Thing:: By David Deida

10593028_10152328745556851_6910828918493703323_nDavid Deida continues to be one of my favorite authors about male/female relationships and sex. And I could also word it this way:: David Deida continues to be one of my favorite authors about the divine masculine and feminine energies and about making Love. He basically emcompasses both. I could also say David Deida continues to be one of my favorite authors about Chics and Dudes and about getting it on. The reason I write it in these few different ways is because he is the one author that I have found able to change up his language in a few styles in order to talk about his subject from an honest perspective and a very wise perspective, I might add. This always shows me how important it is to use language to break down the ways we think about things, so that we look deeper and see ourselves clearer.

I began reading It’s a Guy Thing at a friend’s house and 3 sentences in, I just clicked on the laptop and ordered it from amazon…. it was so good.

Under the subject “Why do Men Balk at Commitment? He writes :

Men tend to argue for the possibility of love with real commitment. In response to men’s ideas about possible relationships, women often feel,, “I’m real. Don’t give me your theoretical bullshit. You’re either loving me right now or you’re not”. She wants concrete love. “Dont give me any of your heady philosophy. I’m not feeling your love right now. You’re not incarnating love right now”. She tests whether her man is really loving, or just thinking of love. “I am here. I am real. Love me”. She is here to love.

The man says, “I know you really want my attention, but can you feel love whether I am here or not? Can you be free and happy whether anything is here or not?” this is the masculine teaching of love.

The more full the masculine and feminine teachings of love are, the more close they come to being the same. At the meeting point, there is no difference between the masculine and the feminine. There is no difference between freedom and love. Since true love is all-encompassing, resisting nothing, it is totally free. And, since real freedom is fearless, with no sense of threatened self, it is completely loving. Freedom and love, masculine and feminine, are not different in their full fruition.

Yet there tends to be a concrete difference at the human level. The masculine is more able to stand outside of things and point out, “You are in a mood right now. This is just a mood. Remember love. In this moment, there is nothing preventing you. You don’t need this and that. You don’t need anything. Just remember love right now.” This is the masculine gift.

The feminine gift is like the sound of a ringing bell, a reminder of love in life. “Hey you! You are distracted in your theories and projects and TV> This is where love is expressed, with me. Right here. I m here to be loved. I m here loving you. The feminine calls the masculine into the beauty of life and the embrace of love.

We need both these gifts. Without the full masculine and feminine, we become weakened. One feminine weakness is to feel, “Unless I’m married, unless I’m in a long term intimate relationship, I can’t really experience love”. One masculine weakness is to think, “Well, if we get married I can’t be free. I don’t want to limit my life. I don’t want to be trapped.”

When we are balanced with ourselves and in our relationships, we are free to give our love without fearing dependency, loss of self or confinement. We are free and we are loving. If our relationship ends tomorrow, fine–today we give each other love. If our relationship lasts a lifetime, fine- today we give each other love.


This is one of the best explanations I have ever read. Instead of bashing men because they are committment phobes (I speak in a cliche, I realize they are not all committment phobes and that women can also exhibit this behavior) he points out how the impulse to shirk from that is coming from a wise understanding of love. When we can really communicate about these things with each other and understand the beauty of both sides of this committment debate, our relationships can be filled with more respect and more joy and way more trust:) I know from personal experience when you keep blaming men for your frustrations, instead of understanding better your own womanly nature and the beauty of the man nature, then life can be a struggle. Male hating for female hating really drag you down…..and are not true! Good men exist and so do good women!

If you would like to order this book feel free to click here to order of amazon… your dating life!

Many blessings on your dating path and feel free to see my website as well…

A New Book I Love:: Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson

10599376_10152808101891454_2601466880874944407_nAs always, I am reading, reading, reading and constantly learning more about Tantra, sexual healing and all things men and women. A few years ago I was traveling in Greece when I met this fascinating, electric woman who carried herself with such a presence I admired her from afar for awhile. Then thru the course of the week (we were in a big group of people staying at the same lodge) I began to have more opportunity to speak with her and she shared that she was a Tantra teacher! Yay,,,,plus one for my intuitive feeling and knowing. I immediately wanted to know more and she shared with me a few titles of her books but that her book for women wasn’t out yet.

Well fast forward a few years and its out now, and I am reading it. I am so blown away with how much she writes from her heart and with the spirit of meditation in sex. The other book she and her partner , Michael Richardson,,wrote together is Tantric Sex for Men:: Making Love a Meditation. Also excellent but I have only flipped thru as I am still reading the book for women. Stay tuned.

Just to give you a taste….

She writes ” When a woman knows it is possible to use her sexual energy rightfully, allowing it to circulate throughout the body orgasmically, her sense of self changes and she WANTS to make love. Sex becomes less to do with the other or with getting something and becomes more a way of valuing and loving oneself, of being with oneself. With insight into her body mechanisms she is able to direct her sexual energy and so be more in command of her life. The process of the body getting older and perhaps less attractive becomes of no real concern, in the sense that she knows how to attract the male principle when a man is in her presence, how to draw and drink from him, through understanding the deeper layers of sexual energy. It has nothing to with how she looks or how old she is. She bypasses the superficiality of sex and steps directly in to the female element, which is passive, relaxed, receptive, sweet, serene, open. Such an ambiance in itself stimulates man to respond to woman in a way quite different from how he usually responds.

So true. I couldn’t agree more. The more often I nourish myself, and spend time looking inward and getting to know my soul, and clearing my belief system,  the more often I find men noticing me. So many time you leave the house without make up in gym clothes etc, but you are alive and feeling that feminine juice and suddenly you have that guy bumbling all over himself to open your doors or talk to you. The times I spend all this effort to dress up, look a certain way etc but have not paid attention to my insides, to my heart and soul….I can feel it. There is less spark. Men don’t pay attention as much. Now when I have done my tantric practice, things go thru the roof! Whether dressed up or not:)

” The fragrance of a woman settled in her essence exerts an attractive force on  man that alters the whole nature of the sexual act–it is a dimensional shift” Diana Richardson

So here is to really making love a meditation and claiming the sacred energy of sex and womanhood….

If you would like to read more click below to order your copy….

And to head to my website, visit

Blessings and All Good Things….

Reclaiming Your Sensual Potential

527721_360980377335883_1641217043_nI am currently taking an online tantra training with Devi Ward, learning some basics of the Tibetan 5 element tantric approach. Part of my “homework” is to do a pleasure ritual for myself, light the candles, play the music, explore the pussy. Not just any ole pussy. But my own pussy. And practice the art of self pleasure that Devi has shared with me, based on breathing, sound, and deeply investigating what it means to open all the parts of my own delicious vagina on my  own through conscious touch. And I have to admit…I am struggling with this. I keep putting my homework off.

Now don’t think I am some prude or something, for sure I am NOT, but for all the ways I can hold space for other women to unfold,  and absolutely know in my gut this work is needed for the healing of our planet on so many levels, (it would take another article to go into), I still have to face my own resistance to pleasure. I still have to face my own habit of putting my own pleasure on the back burner in favor of what I am comfortable with:: Helping others experience, and sharing the education….keeping the focus off myself. And yet, without making the time for myself and my own pleasure what kind of help can I really provide…? (more on that again, in another post).

So I went to Devi’s blog looking for inspiration when I realized how resistant I was to giving myself this time…and found this timeless article by Ms. Ward,  that reminded me why this work is so important….We truly have been  conditioned to think of the word pleasure in a way that is counter to what it really is…..we have built up resistances that lodge in our sub-conscious so tightly we can be hardly aware that its there! Here I am an advocate for sensual healing and health and I still come up against resistance…Its normal or rather I should say it is the norm. We have not been gifted this kind of sensual education or awareness from our society, it simply hasn’t been there even as a language, we wouldn’t of even known how to ask the questions for most of us. Many of the things I learned in school and from my friends and family about sex had nothing to do with the reality of sex once I arrived at being sexual active. I was given tampons in junior high, menstral blood was considered gross and all I knew about sex is that if any of the nasty white stuff that came out of the guys penis got inside me, I would become an after school special movie of the week.  Good girls didn’t like sex and bad girls definitely got alot of attention. To touch yourself or even talk about it was hidden or giggled about. Boys doing it was “gross”. And yet. There were a whole host of experiences I could never explain, that made me KNOW deep down…..there was something way deeper to this whole sex thing, and for sure, I was going to find out.

Fast forward a few years and here I am. Fascinated by sex, humbled by my work, floored by what people share with me about their experiences. I constantly have to tell people this work goes way beyond a desire for sexual gratification and into areas so tender and true to the soul, one day a book (I pray) hopes to emerge that opens our eyes to what sexuality can really offer us as a humanity, when we bring our hearts and education to it. And still, despite the other tantra trainings I have done, the communities of open minded people I have been blessed with, and my own personal exploration in all sorts of sexual worlds both privately and with friends, still. The self pleasure homework gets put on the back burner….This is not to beat myself up, this is truly to say:: I now realize how much this work is needed….

For more from Devi Ward:

“From Chapter 2. of “Shake Your Soul-Song! A Woman’s Guide To Self-Empowerment Through The Art Of Self-Pleasure”

We are born into this world of sensory experience~ sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell.

Each of our 5 senses also relates to the 5 elements ~fire, space, earth, water, and air ~ which make up our relative or “experiential” environment.

As children we delight in our sensual experience.

We want to taste it, touch it, feel it, understand it, know it.”…..

To read more click here:

For her website dedicated to the sensual empowerment of women, click here:

For more information about my work:

Blessings to all Ladies Willing to Take That Leap Into the Unknown and Risk What Happens When You Choose to Reclaim Your Sensual Soul. Remember that Love is the best medicine.

The Power of The Root and Pelvic Bowl

I am reading a lovely new book I ordered on amazon, THE WILD FEMININE, by Tami Lynn Kent. She is a holistic woman’s healthcare provider who is the founder of Holistic Pelvic Care. I am learning so much about the power of the root in your overall health and well-being. It is blowing my mind, how in France, women are able to receive session post pregnancy for pelvic care covered by health care plan. When will we catch up in America?? I hope the more we can talk about these things and get over our sexual fears, we can begin to see that pelvic work and physical tantric or taoist body work is a healing form and more about quality of life and health than it is about Sex per se. It’s really about the whole picture of a woman’s life inside and outside of the bedroom.

In THE WILD FEMININE, Tami Lynn Kent writes” The body responds to fear by closing down all but the most vital functions. It goes into a mode of survival, prompting a woman to act out of primitive instinct rather than from her creative capacity.  The root of the female body is particularly vulnerable to fear because the base of the pelvic bowl contains the root chakra: the energy center that regulates a woman’s core identity and her sense of security. When she feels safe, a woman’s pelvic muscles relax and she feels her connection to life, her place of belonging. When she is afraid, the energy of her root chakra is activated and the muscles in her pelvic floor tighten. Living in a range restricted by her bodily response to fear will continually limit a woman’s ability to inhabit the fullness of her life or use her energy resources.”………

“A woman’s body may also present in a state of high pelvic distress even though the traumatic experience initially triggering the stress response had occurred many years previously. Unless resolved with hands-on bodywork, distress in the root often continues to disrupt a woman’s pelvic presence and energy flow.”….

“The beauty of the pelvic bowl is that simply working with the body’s response to trauma and stress may bring healing and restore a woman’s access to her creative core. By addressing areas of energy blockage, a woman’s inner range is no longer defined by these restrictions. With practice in restoring her root energy flow, a woman gains the ability to overcome the fear and resolve the trauma response that would otherwise block her full creative potential. She can process the energy of future stressful events with greater resources and deepen the root strength for herself and for all her creations.”

Sounds good to me!!

To order her book, click here:

Beautiful Illusions of Love

393070_518071681566448_1749994254_nI was told, after my recent “heartbreak”, if you can call it that, (what was it  an 11 day romance? Please.) that I needed to take responsibility for drawing this into my life, for creating the life lesson to propel me forward on my spiritual path. That all my, “but he said this” and “did this” and “what about this vagrant abuse of the female species, not to mention all the women on his facebook wall”, and what about the words “I LOVE YOU!!”..Doesn’t that mean anything to anyone anymore? Or have we all gotten so spiritualized and tantracized that we say it to the mailman with the same meaning we say it to the person who just happens to be in our bed.  That all these excuses were really just to justify my not taking responsibility for the creation of my own reality. Honestly, I think the words I Love You are used far to often with far too much flippancy, and I would like to claim, that when I say them, I honestly mean them. Well, at least I think I do, because now that I look back on it, how can you honestly love someone you have no actual life experience with. Which brings up the deeper questions of what is real love? And more importantly what is illusion? And how do we take responsibility for every lesson that comes into our lives, as trying to teach us, to grow us, to evolve us and our illusions of love. That’s some heavy duty responsibility, especially when the other person has done or said things that most certainly justify our behavior and our excuses not to face really taking responsibility for our own pain. And our own creative illusins. Ouch.

Now, rifling thru the fleeting time I had with this person, I mean really 11 days is not enough to know much, I can see instance after instance of moments when my body distinctly let me know that things were not as kosher as my fantastical mind wanted to believe. That really, what was happening was chemistry and energy and a need making itself manifest as a person, that I could project my desires and the unmet parts of myself, that secretly yearned to be held and seen and appreciated. Unmet parts of myself. Unmet. Only to have these parts of myself, still not met, because this person was unavailable. How could he be available? I wasn’t available to myself. He was throwing crumbs at me and I was running after them, reaching outside of myself, away from the parts of me inside at war and in conflict because I was under the illusion that if he could supply some of that missing love, that somehow, that would nourish me. But this is the trap we all fall into, time after time, relationship after relationship, this idea that something outside of ourselves can fulfill us. And at the same time, this person was reflecting where I was at with myself…This is supposed to be a love story, a tale of heartbreak, drama and conflict, a tale of transformation and evolution. It’s also a soap opera,  a day-dream and mental fantasy projected on the tapestry of God’s great love. And in the end it is truth and it is true love. And there is also some great laughter. It’s not a spiritual self-help book. Oh gosh I know i started to sound like that, didn’t I, but it’s not that either. It’s not a case history…”John and Melora met at a bar but quickly realized they had entered an addictive pattern based on parental wounds and low self worth, left over from the abuse they had both received in their childhoods”. No. Its not that. Too Oprah. Please have this read as a cosmic instance of life lesson, that birthed a woman birthing herself for all the right reasons, because she wanted to kiss the sky of the goddess and break free of all the misunderstood parts of herself and the shackles of pain and suffering. That she realized she had been inflicting on herself her own pain for no other reason than habit and pointing the finger outward to an easy target:: A Lover done no good.

I knew from the beginning things were a rye. This is what fascinates me about these life tests, we always know, there are signs, some so obvious we look back and say, how the hell did I miss that? But this is the power of illusion, it lies. In such a pretty pretty way, we kind of like it, lets face it we do like it. Well we like it till it hurts. Then we don’t like it and want to change it. We want to get real, because we suddenly realize the good stuff is in reality.  But the signs of the illusion are always there, because truth never lies if we are listening. Like when for instance, when talking about whether each of us desired a boyfriend or girlfriend, his response was “yeah sometimes I want a girlfriend, like when I am watching a funny movie, and the funny part comes and I want to cuddle up next to someone. But then I get one and I don’t want one.” Really? This is your reason for wanting a connection with someone? A funny movie cuddle? This should have been clue numero biggy because my response, in my head of course, so I didn’t sound too spiritual wacko and scare the guy off, was “I want to merge our souls and travel to god while stopping only to hold each other accountable when the shadows flair and the storms come, I want someone who will rise and do what needs to be done for the children.( Okay that was Oriah Mountain Dreamer, but still it came into my thoughts), I want the real deal, soul quenching spiritual relationship that doesn’t stop at “committment fears” or “shes cuter” or “I am bored”, the kind of exchange that takes you faster to God, that pushes you beyond your boundaries, that forces you to face your fears, the kind that stretches your heart over the fire of truth and makes a barbecue out of all your illusions. Funny movie cuddles? I mean sure. That is certainly something to strive for along the way. Those certainly add to spiritual evolution. Are you getting my point with this comparison? The dude was not even meeting me in the same arena of relationship. He was still at the Drive In. I wanted to be the star up on the screen. He was flirting with me, he wasn’t wanting to invest in a serious meeting, at least not with me and even though his words made it sound otherwise (another thing I learned, the truth is not in the words), he really was just looking for a good time passing through…..Yet somehow this was considered “tantric”. And somehow I thought it was because he was deep and “unattached” Unavailable more like it. And truly, the guy has every right to be, the more evolved thing would be to walk the other way in peace and say…this guy is no bueno for me and its okay. But I didn’t I continued.

Like when for instance, he kept bringing up other girls and girlfriends. Like in bed. While I was in the bed. Available. Female. Post tantric workshop juicy. Also on the computer or phone alot, while i was also in the bed. Available. Female. Post tantric workshop juicy. It wasn’t until I had to ask the question in the morning of a sleepless night, “are you attracted to me?”. My god how low will a girl go to make sense of a boys strange behavior. And his proclamation somehow demonstrated he was, because then the passion flared. Yet what had I suffered to get there? And then it became all about that….the verbal demonstration of wanting to have sex. Wow. We went from 0 to 60. Ever wonder if you feel confusion from another, what it really is in them? For me, when I feel confusion in another, I assume that it means there is some reason we should not be together, because their soul must be picking up something beyond their conscious behavior. Is this a false assumption? Was it my own confusion? I mean I was confused the whole time, wanting to be close, then feeling like, no I didn’t, especially when I saw this person all over every other girl but me, yet proclaiming many romantic things to make me think otherwise. Yeah, I have to admit, never have I experienced that from a guy, it was absolutely an emotional roller coaster within my own heart. And really how could I get trapped into thinking this guy had any control over my heart? That he had anything that I would need outside of the abundance inside of me….the goddess? The goddess living inside of me, as me, with me, for me, beyond me, in spite of me? And I was tripping over a few crumbs along the path….

Which brings up yet another life lesson. Tantra. Tantra World. Tantra in the West. Tantra land….where people come together to try and be more conscious about their relationships and sexuality. To learn, to train, to grow, to also help others.  It doesn’t mean they have the answers nor does it mean they are more advanced or living more consciously. In fact it usually means opposite. Myself included. We share what we need to learn. We heal what we need to heal. We are all wounded healers. We all are doing the best we can. We all have our shit. We all …whatever other spiritual words you can put in here…..we are all God’s children. Not everyone on the tantric path is looking for some beautiful advanced relationship, not everyone has communication skills, not everyone is there because they want to see the face of God or transmute their karma to find enlightenment. And some people are. Some people quite magically definitely are. They aren’t hiding behind being “detached” and “removed”as some great spiritual mask which really translates into, emotionally unavailable to really feel or go deep into the scarey parts. Which translates into, I am scared of getting messy. Which translates into, I am unavailable for the kind of relationship you are looking for Lady.

Do I sound angry in this post? Probably. A bit. Yes, there was disappointment that my illusion didn’t last….that it didn’t fulfill my expectations, that it didn’t get in there and beautify everything left in my toxic mind. That it couldn’t save me from myself and my own pain, fear, expectations, and projections. That I had to see myself when it wasn’t very flattering. That I had to see where I was withholding love out of my own stingy self inflicted fear. That I wanted something from someone who couldn’t really give it, and while I knew that, I continued to try and get it, so I could feel the pain of an unresolved childhood. How perfect my spiritual guide tells me. When you can have gratitude for your lessons, you know you are growing, you know you are evolving. When you can see that life is presenting you with exactly what you need to experience and learn in order to really reach for the ultimate love. For the love that will never leave you, deny you, forget you, just want a part of you, or find you imperfect in any way. That Love. Isn’t that the greatest love story ever written? Yes,well, I also like the one with Ryan Gosling when he drives the car around and really loves the girl. He is so good at being in love. I wonder what roles he will play when he is old? I wonder if his love life confuses him as much as mine does….I wonder if he wants to let go of his illusions and find perfection in every moment. I wonder if he also thinks the young cute guy with the grin of a thousand lights, with his hands in every direction, really is a beautiful soul with alot to offer somebody, somewhere, sometime….but maybe it’s not supposed to be me.  Maybe he was just my illusion of the moment and I was his.  And maybe out of that is born a truer love from the seeking, deep within my own heart, for where I abandoned my own ship for but a small approximation to real love….for where ultimately, I am getting exactly what I asked for. Heartbreak into the heart open….Okay and let’s be honest, just to save face, it’s not like I was SO in love with the guy, like I said, it was a beautiful illusion.

2nd Chakra Series-21 Ways to Care for Your Sacral Chakra from Mommy Mystic Blog

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This is a great Post! Re posted from Mommy Mystic…. Check out her blog at 2nd Chakra Series – 21 Ways to Care for Your Sacral Chakra   Please note that I am currently offering two teleseminar series related to healing and empowering the sacral chakra (as well as other chakras) – Energy Healing for […]