We are well on our way into the New Year according to the solar Western calendar, but the Chinese and Tibetan New Years, which much of the world observe, don’t begin until February 8th. We are heading into the Year of the Red Fire Monkey, and as has become tradition, I’m offering my own look […]
HOW TO LIVE LIKE AN URBAN GODDESS
7 TANTRIC LIFESTYLE PRACTICES FOR HEALTHY URBAN LIVING
I have lived in NYC for most of my adult life. Having been on a spiritual path for the past 20 years, it still baffles my mind that I live amongst all this concrete and hustle and bustle when I am not in Costa Rica, my respite and second home. But the truth of the matter is, I have spent more time walking these mean streets and navigating the subway and crowds than I have on any beach, boat or country ferris wheel. Having practiced tantra for the past 10 years, and some sort of spiritual practice for the past 20, I have gathered some wisdom about what it takes to make it energetically in the midst of urban sprawl. This article will be informed by NYC life but it can apply to any urban experience across the globe. New York, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere, but it truly is up to you and how much coffee you drink. Just kidding. Well sorta.
- ENJOY….yes. I put this as numero uno because living in a city is all about enjoying it. Let’s make one thing clear, if you come to a city and bitch and complain that the city is too loud or dirty or over-populated, well then, it will be. You don’t come to a city to find yourself and merge with tranquility. You come to a city to live out loud, express, explore, experiment and make connections. The times I have gotten back from Costa Rica, chilled out, tranquilo and tanned and hit the streets complaining, uncomfortable, wishing for more sun on my face, have just made me miserable. When you fight with reality, it really can only fight back. Surrender to what is. Surrender to the fact that you can now shop for things you would never find anywhere else, eat food you may never find anywhere else, and meet people of all shapes and sizes, some of which are brilliant, ambitious, traveled and interesting. Surrender to the fact that some of the best culture can be found in a city and surrender to the fact that loads of immigrants from other countries have worked like mad to just be able to be here to even have a shot at some sort of better life. Find the aspects of your city that you dig, the restaraunts, the activities, the people and seek them out and ENJOY them…Enjoying is the key to peace, health, wealth and distraction from the more challenging aspects of life. It is also your birthright and I believe the reason we were born. Enjoying is a healer totalmente (yes I made up that word)…do not underestimate her fierce grace.
2. FIND TREES AND GREEN THINGS AND SUNSHINE….The main challenge I find living in a city is the lack of nature. Do what you can to get your daily or weekly fix. It wont be enough for a normal sane human but you can meet the minimum requirements thru city parks or thru simply getting out of the city into a close by natural setting. Even 5-10 minutes a day changing your walk to work to pass thru a park and simply sitting and doing nothing (not sitting and checking your phone) will help ease your over-active city buzz. Try and meditate if you can in that green or better yet, take off your shoes and walk thru some grass and get on the earth. There are serious ions in the earth that travel up your feet and in to your entire system making your soul greener, you step lighter and the lines on your face soften. Nature is the master healer and what our bodies need to balance themselves. If you can’t get to a park, add some plants to your apartment. They will oxygenize your space and make you happier, I promise. Apartments without plants make no sense to me, you really feel a shift when you add them and the watering of them keeps you connected to nature even in a small way. The same with sun. City people tend to be lacking Vitamin D. If you can get outside and get some sun on your face and exposed skin for 10-15 minutes, say at your lunch break or in between shops, you are adding a lot of general magic to your system. On the days I don’t do this, wow I can feel it. It blows my mind how this little time in the sun makes a big difference to my mood. If you are lacking Vitamin D and really just never make it to daily sun then take a supplement, for women this is super anti-breast cancer. Just make sure not to over due it, too much Vitamin D is also not the best. You can get a simple blood test from your doctor to see your range. And by all means: GET OUT…go to the country. Just Go. Don’t think about it. The retreat out of the city will make you much fresher when you get back in. Or you will decide to move. Either way you have options.
3. MEDITATE..I know, I know, we busy urban junkies are too busy to sit and do nothing, but that’s exactly why we need to. Our minds are so over activated in an urban sprawl that we have to give ourselves time to clean them out. Think of it like re-booting your computer. You just have to do it now and then and install the updates. The brain is like this. Too much stimulation and it just does not run as effectively. And ends up running you. Even if you just get in 5 minutes a day, twice a day it is enough. Something happens when we stop and let the universe in…..things get clearer, brilliant solutions come, we remember what is important, we begin to feel our lives again, rather than over think them, we stop wasting time on repetitive or circular thoughts that lead nowhere but to tension. We also calm our nervous systems and up our immune system. Stress is the greatest disease. Meditation is the magic pill. Even if you have to go to the bathroom to do it. Even if you have to put on your head phones on the subway and close your eyes. Even if its 5 minutes at the end of your yoga practice. Stop. Collaborate and listen.
4. BREATHE…yes I know you are breathing all day but un-conscious breath is very different than deep, mindful breath. Breathing is one of the top ways we detox toxins in the body and one of the greatest remedies for slowing down and centering. It also makes you sexy. And it both calms and energizes you if done right. I like an in hale thru the nose and exhale out the mouth to balance my yin and yang. Yin being the nostril breathing and yang being the mouth breathing. The cool thing about breathing is that no matter what situation you are in, you can do it without anyone noticing. And what I have noticed is if I am in a stressful situation with another person and I start focusing on my breath, they also seems to relax and become more at ease without really knowing what is happening. It really is like magic. It also relaxes you into your body, which is always in the moment and quiets the mind so you can be more efficient in your thought process.
5. EMOTE…Yes, cry, shout, scream, laugh, sing with joy. Emotions are the colors of life and without them we are robots. Living in a city requires a certain amount of stimulation and taking in a huge amount of human energy each day. This can affect us on a deep level, but because there is so much of it we barely have time to process it all and often we are shutting down or numbing out all the stimulus we receive from the outside. This can make us stuffed full of other people’s dramas and cold to our deep reserve of human empathy and sensitivity. So make time for regular emotional detox sessions. A great way thru this is thru breath work, ecstatic dance or other emotional release techniques and art. Singing, dancing, acting, painting, writing, anything that allow expression even if you are not an “artist” do it for a healthy soul. Just talking about emotions does not get us feeling and moving thru them…Stuck and stored emotions turn into unhealthy relationships, illness, abundance issues, depression and blocked soul drive. Even if you take the time to turn on your favorite melancholy music and spend some time alone, its good to get the emotions flowing so you don’t get stuck with stored up energy. Remember emotion is just energy in motion.
6. MOVE…Exercise the body. Sweat. Movement is one of thenGreatest healers ever. Find the thing you love to do that gets you in that zen mind. Whether its the gym, or park walking or all night dancing or yoga, just find the time to move your body, sweat and breathe. Not only does exercise improve mood, make your body healthier and sexier, but it also releases toxins thru the sweat and breath and gets you into a rhythmic state which is as close to orgasmic ecstasy as you can get without having an actual orgasm. The other great thing about movement is its often done to music which as we know is the great spirit lifter and sexiness shiner. I also find after exercise I feel smarter and more motivated. Over- exercising is not advised but that kind of exercise where you feel challenged but inspired, not dragging or pounding your body into some maniacal gym instructors idea of fitness. Healthy movement is when you are connected and feeling YOUR body and ENJOYING the pleasure of moving it.
7. GET OUT! Yes…please go out of the city often. Whether its day trips to natural settings, visiting family or friends in suburban settings or simply taking a vacation for a few days or weeks. Find the time to give yourself many moments outside of the hustle and bustle. Often times we are in the city so intense on doing what we are here to do, we can loose perspective on that ambition. Getting out of the noise and traffic and smog is also about getting out of the collective mind that accumulates in us. Our minds are all wired to each other and thoughts do travel. When we live with so many other human minds, thinking, calculating and worrying we can take on that energy more often. So getting out allows us some space to simply collect ourselves and our thoughts and gain some much needed perspective. Because we often don’t realize how the city is affecting us until we are out of it and reflecting on how we feel, its a good idea to just make this a rule…GET OUT!! Or better yet, move out and come visit me down in Costa Rica, where my refuge outside of the city awaits. In fact if this whole article made you realize you need to get out of the city or move then I applaude you. I love city life. Truly. But I don’t condone it. In the end I think the healthiest way to live is in nature. Pure and simple. But if you have to be in the city due to work, family, career, passions then by all means live as best as you can.
If you want more tips or tricks for healthier urban living, visit my websites : www.sensualtantrichealing.com and www.breathworknyc.com (coming soon-currently being upgraded) and schedule some one on one coaching or breathwork with me in person or via skype or simply sign up to my email list to stay informed about my upcoming online course: “Every Woman Is a Tantrika: A Live Online Course for Urban Women Who Want To Thrive Radiantly In Any City”. It is my pleasure to assist you in elevating your life with Tantric Lifestyle Practices and Wholistic Sexuality.
When I tell them, first and foremost, women need to be listened to, seen and heard by a present, collected in the moment kind of guy….they kind of rustle a bit…..squirm. I know they had imagined learning the magic points on a woman’s yoni and hearing new kinds of sounds from within her, but the truth of the matter is, is that if you don’t get the basics down, all the sexy magic tricks are going to amount to zero. Technique can always be learned, real instinct and energy have to be cultivated.
Ever been with a guy who says he is master lover and he knows all these things but then when he touches your leg its kind of cold and clammy and he isn’t really listening to anything you are saying or barely making eye contact?. Or if he is making eye contact all you can feel is his anticipation that you are going to take your clothes off? I think most women have experienced this kind of energy from men…It really does suck. You kind of feel bad for them because they are trying so hard to make something happen. They are puffing themselves up to somehow impress you but you see right thru it. And you are not turned on. But you kind of wish you could be, because here is a guy who really is trying but he keeps missing it. Without presence (the male energy) the feminine cannot surrender and be the flower, the dazzling, moving, colorful aspect of the duality.
Tantra is not a quick fix for becoming a master lover…..It is a path to gaining that mastery. For sure some people are quick studies or just plain naturals. But the fact of the matter is, most of what we have been taught about sexuality and the opposite sex is a big lie. And we have to unlearn alot of our habitual patterns. Both men and women. We have to get back to basics. Feeling, experiencing, dropping into what is inherent in our energies and natures. Letting ourselves be men and women. And recognizing what stands in our way when we have trouble accessing that natural space. Thoughts, distractions, nervous energy left over from a stressful day, childhood trauma, body issues, disconnection from ourselves. We have to be willing to dive in and dive in deep to see what patterns, psychological, spiritual, emotional etc are taking our energy. So that we can get to the source of our deepest connection. This connection allows us to deeply feel ourselves and another. And in that feeling, we have access to an instinctual place that knows how to dance with another.
3 Basic Tips for Pleasuring A Woman
1. Presence. Never underestimate the power of presence. Presence is super duper sexy. It is super duper important for a woman to feel your masculine present energy. Now what is that exactly?. Well it starts with you, sinking into yourself and clearing the clutter out of your mind and body. So first things first, You have to know You. And get right with it. Which usually takes some time, as alot of men have built up a whole fake male identity around ego and macho. Even on the most subtle of levels. We usually go about getting present thru the breath and meditation. Slowing down to feel more deeply into yourself, slowing down to really connect with your inherent presence. Thoughts may come, distractions, unfinished business…its all good. Just take the dive and see whats there. Once you pass thru some things, the gift of presence and the ability to show up as yourself, no masks, no games, just you with your loving heart and masculine energy is enough to get any girl wet. Because it is so rare.
2. Notice. Listen to her. Take her in. Look at her. Breathe her in. Notice details, ask questions about things she said. Take a genuine interest in this beautiful goddess sitting before you. Marvel at the creation of woman. Don’t drool or act like a lost puppy, take it in from the strength of your presence. Enjoy being in the company of a woman, just for the sake of being next to her. Without any expectations., none, zero, zilch. Let her thoughts and ideas and ways of girliness wow and inspire you. Don’t rush this part. It builds energy, it creates suspense…it gets the fire going.
3. Touch. Learn how to touch to open a womans body up without even getting to the most intense erogenous zones. This alone can work miracles for you. So often we women have been manhandled by sweaty, bumbling hands and to get a good pair of present, slow, warm and giving hands that aren’t trying to grope us or finger us, or grab us, is a gift from God. Learn to give a good loving, slow and sensual (without being slimy), massage that just worships us for the amazing creatures we are. With zero expectation of sex or need to touch anywhere sexual. Unless of course you are asked or proded…then by all means, please the goddess…But that first touch, that way and texture of touching are so important….if you can touch with care and trust you will immediately put a woman in a calm and more surrendered space. And that is exactly what we need to truly feel opened to going deeper into lovemaking. Or at least we feel safe to say No, so that later we can say yes:)
What you are thinking about at the moment of orgasm matters. But wait…do you even know what you are thinking about at the moment of orgasm? Most people say they aren’t thinking anything, that’s what makes orgasm so special…so cultivated, so sought after. The moment of explosion into the cosmos where you are totally free…..a total release….a total let go.
Well, that moment is also an opening. The veil between worlds becomes thinner……there is a fine opening into the greater reality…a precious opportunity.
So often people talk about orgasm as just being this amazing pleasurable state of connection. True. It is. But it is also a very precious moment that opens our energy fields and tunes us to what we are resonating at…So at that moment when the opening comes, its best to be prepared with your highest hopes and dreams, your highest intentions. Those thinking dark thoughts, off in a fantasy, or just not present will vibrate that out to the universe and will carry that in their fields…..Leading to whatever reality that will now create.
That’s why cleaning yourself, your mind, body and emotions is part of the tantric path. So when you do reach these heights you are conscious enough to really work with them to create healing and goodness in your life. It is a sacred act, making love with someone, no matter how well you know them or don’t. It’s a moment where you literally become One, even if just for a moment, even if the veil into that Oneness passes very fast. You still merge together at this time. The point is don’t miss it. Become Mindful. Recognize what is passing between you. Honor it. Even if in that moment it is simply a thought of goodness or a wish of love….just put your best.
We practice sex magic because it is literally sex magic. Your thoughts get catapulted at a much larger speed out into the universe when you are dancing in the openess that is sexuality. The portals of communication are active and alive in these moments….You have a frequency available that you don’t normally to such a degree and at that moment a magic happens where you can manifest at a much greater speed. So these sex magic rituals are harnessing this power, and working with the energy in a conscious way, stating intentions clearly, praying on specific things that you want to manifest. Sex Prayer. Sex Magic. Sex Ritual. The intention is the same….harness this awesome power of orgasm, this actual creative juice of the universe and direct it to creating very good things…
You will be amazed at how your life shifts. You will be amazed at the energy that will surge forward when you become aware like this in your love making.
Now I am not really implying thinking about the new car you want during sex is the way of it, I mean it could be, but what I am really saying, is imagine, putting prayers for a speedy recovery for a friend suffering in the hospital, or perhaps it’s repairing the relationship with the person you are making love to, or perhaps it is for a new job that fulfills you more, or maybe it is for that new car….Maybe that would make your life that much easier.
Try it out…Notice what happens…..Sex is powerful, sacred and we are just beginning to learn how to honor it and work with it in the way I believe it was meant to be used….as a healing force and a creative process….and a great source of pleasure. An act of Love.
What exactly is this famous Yoni Massage about anyway? Why are women seeking this experience now more than ever and why are men so interested in learning how to give them? Is it just another erotic woo hoo thing? And what can one expect to receive and experience if one actually seeks one out and receives this delicious gift to the self?
First of all the Yoni massage is about healing and empowerment. The focus is not on having outrageous orgasms that have you doing cartwheels, although this may happen, the focus is not solely on reaching some sexual goal. It is about celebrating and liberating this powerful area of the woman’s body so that she has more access to her sensations, feelings and erotic potential as well as her creativity and divine shakti, or feminine essence which affects all areas of her life. It awakens Kundalini, the potent spiritual life force, that once awakened brings about higher consciousness and more expansion. It can be very emotional, very energetic, very arousing or very quiet and peaceful. It is truly a unique experience each and every time and one must show up to the experience, whether giving or receiving, and truly surrender to the moment, to the here and now and let the healing unfold without a goal in mind.
The Yoni Massage is a powerful way to access stored or blocked energy, clear trauma or abuse and heal emotional wounds. Women can hold both personal and collective feminine wounds in this area of their body that can affect their ability to feel pleasure, can actually create pain or numbness or may simply be energetic holdings that only reveal themselves during the massage. Simply having good sex or a wild sex life is not necessarily going to access these places. The primary reason is because in sex you are normally having in exchange with an intimate partner, and with the Yoni Massage, you are invited to practice receiving from a therapist who is trained to hold space and facilitate healing. Being in a receptive energy while experiencing your body’s sexual energy, is a profound healing in and of itself for many women. Because it asks us to listen, inside our bodies and souls and get to know these intimate spaces even deeper. Practically speaking, the yoni massage is a very clear healing technique to massage the woman’s vagina, otherwise known as Yoni, that accesses the reflexology points that correspond to the entire body. This is why the yoni massage can feel so good, because it impacts the entire system. It also accesses the Sacred Spot, or G-spot, a sensitive and powerful area of the vagina that is the holding area of much history, energy and imprinting, which can usually remained buried unless accessed in this way.
It also involves breathwork, and the practice of awareness, so that the person receiving is actively participating in their own clearing and release as well as activation and pleasure. The breath helps the recipient be present to what is happening in the moment, so that one can access what the body is communicating and what emotions are there to be felt. It also helps the energy circulate and build to clear and charge the system, and deepen the connection to life. The facilitator is there offering his/her presence to the recipients process, and is trained to feel when the body is tensing up or holding in certain areas. The breath and the coaching of the particular breathing techniques, help the woman open up even deeper to her erotic potential and her sexual healing and help her move past resistance and open up more fully to joy and pleasure. Never underestimate Joy and Pleasure to be profound healing tools, it is not just suffering that can help us grow, this is the outdated story of healing. Joy and Pleasure and letting them in to expand our lives, can be some of the most powerful breakthrus we have as women. How often have we been taught that our pleasure was wrong, or bad, or dirty? How often have we been taught that other’s needs come before our own? How often were we ever taught about the power of this area of our bodies? Or that our pleasure and Joy naturally spills forth to everything and everyone we meet? If you were taught these things growing up, wonderful! But many of us weren’t and now, we are catching up to getting to know the divine vessels we travel this life with. It is a gift to know the magic in our feminine jewels.
From the book “Yoni Massage: Awakening Female Sexual Energy, Michaela Riedl writes ”
I like to call yoni massage, the “heart” of massages, since they offer access to a woman’s most intimate area. In no other massage does a woman show as much of her personal and vulnerable side. With each Yoni massage that I give, I develop deeper insight into the sensuality, tenderness, and significance of the female center.
The Yoni has a receptive nature that corresponds to the female principle. For example, it receives the semen and all energies that are linked to it. Every sexual act and action for women means a complete opening of themselves, a reception of everything that happens in that moment. The woman receives and stores information in her yoni,-information from personal experiences and from stories that have shaped entire generations of women. The yoni, the magical heart place, is thus home to many secrets, a place that recounts the smallest injuries and the greatest moments, as long as we can open its doors.
You are worth every ounce of love, time and attention. Don’t be stingy with yourself.
I will be writing more articles in the coming weeks to further expand on the art and healing of the Yoni Massage, one blog post is definitely not enough….
Blessings to you on your way, if I may support you in any way do not hesitate to contact me.
So look, if you haven’t read any David Deida, please for the love of life and relationships go get you some Deida books. Merry Xmas.
Any of them. They all rock. Just read. Don’t argue just yet, let him get to the finish line which he does with surprising wisdom after leading you thru his point with such a cliche viewpoint you want to punch him, and then suddenly, he suprises you with his accuracy …. suddenly you say …ahhhh….that actually makes perfect sense. Men are hornballs. And it’s okay. It’s actually great. Goddess bless the hornballs and the weepy uncontrollable women….It’s really okay to see our weaknesses. And to celebrate our strengths.
So from Deida’s book “It’s a Guy Thing:: An Owner’s Manual For Women…
“The highest form of feminine radiance is love, which can be expressed in many ways. Men feed on this radiance. This love heals their hearts. When they receive it, men feel, YES! This is the woman I want to be with! It is this radiance, this happiness, that shines through a man’s bad mood.
Nothing makes a man happier than your happiness. Plan tonight this way: Be as happy as possible and give your happiness as much as possible. Give your happiness in the way you enjoy it, with energy and creative imagination. Don’t imagine his negative reaction, Oh, he’ll never accept it. Give him happiness the way you want to.
Kiss him, hug him, hold him, tell him you love him, tell him how good it is to see him. Do whatever expresses your happiness. He might scowl and mumble, “I don’t feel like it. I feel horrible.” Don’t absorb his masculine refusal of life and energy. Transform the moment, literally, into a garden of life: music, loving affection, food and light. All of it is just an expression of your radiant happiness.
The Feminine force is the force of life. Your happiness is the heart of this force. The masculine bad mood is all about dissociating from the force of life, but you don’t have to withold your gift just because your man tends to refuse you. The masculine always tries to avoid or manipulate the force of life. Take this into account humorously, and be happy. Your feminine force of life is your unique gift to your man, and, deep down, its what he wants from you, regardless of his resistance.
As always, I am reading, reading, reading and constantly learning more about Tantra, sexual healing and all things men and women. A few years ago I was traveling in Greece when I met this fascinating, electric woman who carried herself with such a presence I admired her from afar for awhile. Then thru the course of the week (we were in a big group of people staying at the same lodge) I began to have more opportunity to speak with her and she shared that she was a Tantra teacher! Yay,,,,plus one for my intuitive feeling and knowing. I immediately wanted to know more and she shared with me a few titles of her books but that her book for women wasn’t out yet.
Well fast forward a few years and its out now, and I am reading it. I am so blown away with how much she writes from her heart and with the spirit of meditation in sex. The other book she and her partner , Michael Richardson,,wrote together is Tantric Sex for Men:: Making Love a Meditation. Also excellent but I have only flipped thru as I am still reading the book for women. Stay tuned.
Just to give you a taste….
She writes ” When a woman knows it is possible to use her sexual energy rightfully, allowing it to circulate throughout the body orgasmically, her sense of self changes and she WANTS to make love. Sex becomes less to do with the other or with getting something and becomes more a way of valuing and loving oneself, of being with oneself. With insight into her body mechanisms she is able to direct her sexual energy and so be more in command of her life. The process of the body getting older and perhaps less attractive becomes of no real concern, in the sense that she knows how to attract the male principle when a man is in her presence, how to draw and drink from him, through understanding the deeper layers of sexual energy. It has nothing to with how she looks or how old she is. She bypasses the superficiality of sex and steps directly in to the female element, which is passive, relaxed, receptive, sweet, serene, open. Such an ambiance in itself stimulates man to respond to woman in a way quite different from how he usually responds.“
So true. I couldn’t agree more. The more often I nourish myself, and spend time looking inward and getting to know my soul, and clearing my belief system, the more often I find men noticing me. So many time you leave the house without make up in gym clothes etc, but you are alive and feeling that feminine juice and suddenly you have that guy bumbling all over himself to open your doors or talk to you. The times I spend all this effort to dress up, look a certain way etc but have not paid attention to my insides, to my heart and soul….I can feel it. There is less spark. Men don’t pay attention as much. Now when I have done my tantric practice, things go thru the roof! Whether dressed up or not:)
” The fragrance of a woman settled in her essence exerts an attractive force on man that alters the whole nature of the sexual act–it is a dimensional shift” Diana Richardson
So here is to really making love a meditation and claiming the sacred energy of sex and womanhood….
And to head to my website, visit www.sensualtantrichealing.com
Blessings and All Good Things….
Recently I have been reading a great book called The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. Recently, and also in the past, I have gotten these waves of people reaching out to me with the desire to clear and cleanse alot of sexual abuse or inability to really enjoy themselves sexually. I am not a trained therapist but I do have a BA in psychology so I do have a bit of background in traditional therapy. But her book is really rocking my world. As I am continuing to understand the depth of how sexual abuse can affect a person’s life I am simply humbled. How often this kinds of abuse gets pushed under the rug or rarely if ever talked about. They say 1 in 3 women will experience some sort of sexual abuse in their lifetime. And 1 in 6 men!
What I keep reading over and over is how the memory of past abuse gets triggered and the different ways it can manifest in life. From an addictiveness to sex to simply avoiding it all together. To understand how the body/mind holds trauma and tends to replay it until the trauma is released is revealing such a deeper appreciation for how our psyche and our physical systems help us heal.
The most important part of the healing journey begins with learning to be present with whatever comes up for you around being sexual. A big part of each stage of healing requires an ability to slow down, get present and acknowledge whatever behaviors or feelings you find yourself in. This ability to get present sounds very simple, almost too easy, but the truth is, getting present in the midst of our patterns of relating to ourselves and others requires practice. It also requires the understanding about how powerful it is to GET present. In presence we take a step back and are able to witness our inner feelings and outside behaviors. It allows us to have the space to see where a choice is possible to make a change and begin to give ourselves what we really need to heal. I have found that getting present and taking a BREATH can be some of the most powerful and life changing work I have ever done to heal. It sounds so simple and it is. And it is the foundation for all the rest of the healing practices we can do.
Sometimes we may not be aware that we have been the victims of sexual abuse or perhaps it is a buried memory. Some behaviors that Wendy Maltz notes that can result from sexual abuse are:
“-Avoiding or withdrawing from sex.
-Faking sexual interest
-Allowing sex to be forced.
-Combining sex and emotional or physical abuse.
-Habitually using pornography.
-Engaging in medically risky sex.
-Having anonymous sex.
-Engaging in secretive sex which generates feeings of shame.
-Have sex with near strangers.
-Engaging in prostitution.
-Making sexually degrading jokes.
-Having abusive sexual fantasies.
-Have sex in relationships that lack intimacy.
-Having sex under dishonest circumstances.
-Visiting topless bars, strip shows, and or adult book stores.
And these are only but a few she mentions….and certainly you can engage in these behaviors and NOT have been abused.
She writes: ” If you find your present behaviors described in this checklist, you may be unconsciously replaying or mirroring sexual abuse. Sometimes referred to as a repetition compulsion, this instant replay can be a survivor’s unconcsious way of tyring to understand what happened and to resolve inner emotional stress by acting out the abuse again and again. Staging replays may be a way of desentisizing ourselves to the shame, disgust, or pain we felt in the abuse. Replays may also be an effort to gain some mastery and control over even our worst experiences.”-Wendy Maltz
I think its important to really learn to take that step back and get present without judgement, on any of our sexual behaviors and be extremely honest with ourselves with what behaviors really serve us in the long run and what we truly want to experience in our sexual lives. Most people, I do think, want to experience a loving, erotic and connected experience with a committed partner. And by committed I do mean a committment that works for you both, not necessarily monogamy or marriage.
Things to think about….I will discuss more from this book as I am finding the content so rich….
All blessings on your path to greater sexual wholeness and healing….
What a wonderful world it is when you come to a house of a friend and she ends up having fabulous books that you had on your book list. I am back on the horse so to speak with this blog….Thanks to ALL who are reading it and my apologies as I drop off the face of the earth at times. I simply need to unplug and dive into deep inner processes within myself and beyond myself to balance my system…
But now I am “above” ground and ready to contribute sensual, tantric, healing posts that inspire, enliven, educate, and hopefully add some spice and energy to your worlds. And as always I hope to bring you into a deeper inquiry investigating the nature of “reality” and what it is that TRULY feeds your soul. And how sensuality and sex are so profoundly interwoven into all of this, regardless if your having it or not.
I’m reading Ecstasy is Necessary by Barbra Carrellas and she invites us (the readers) to get in touch with our Authentic Sexual Self. So that we can really discover how we operate in terms of relationship, sexual style, and erotic appetite. Most of what we have learned is pretty cookie cutter as if sex was a one size fits all experience. We are also so bombarded by guilt and shame in this country around anything related to pleasure, and I don’t just mean sexual pleasure, I mean any kind of sensual pleasure-relaxing, getting a massage, enjoying a good meal, taking a walk for no reason. Especially here in NYC where so many of us are in work overdrive, to stay competitive, on our edge and keeping up. I was astounded by the answers she received when she began to ask people “Why do you do sex?””What does it give you?” “Whats the delight?” and “Whats the big pay off?” She says “the truth is we don’t all do sex for the same reasons”.
Here are the some of the answers she came up with:: (There were many more but I chose the ones that really stood out for me)
-To Connect /communicate with another person.
-To turn my brain off.
-To lighten up.
-To feel Wanted and Needed.
-To explore different sides of my personality.
-To Open My Heart
-To experience Altered States
-It Makes Me Feel Grounded
-Its the most authentic time I have with myself
-It’s one of the only ways I enjoy being present in my body.
Doesn’t this open up so much more your view of the human being? So often I feel like subtly we look at sexual appetite as some lecherous, needy experience, so conditioned we are to see men as dogs and women as whores. Of course our view is not so extreme but in the sub-conscious if we are really honest with our judgement I am sure we can find those extreme belief systems inside of us. I credit this mostly to religion and the media. But when we strip away our superficial conscious mind and begin to question what really motivates us to seek sex, its amazing what we might find. Uncovering our authentic needs and desires, helps us to get CLEAR, about what we are really seeking, have more compassion for ourselves and our partners. It also helps us to see that the people we are in partnership with may have a totally different reason why they enjoy sex and by understanding what really makes them tick, we can create more nourishing sexual exchanges.
She writes” The longer I talked to people about the true value sex had in their lives, the more I could see a through line. The majority of people reported that they liked sex because of some form of connection. What differed was what they preferred to be in connection with. Some people wanted to be in connection with another person. Others wanted connection with God/Goddess/All That Is. Some wanted connection with an aspect of themselves, while others wanted a feeling of purpose, or aliveness, or love, or inner peace. I personally subscribe to the theory that all human desire for connection is a desire for connection with the divine, for connection with God/Goddess/Universe/All That Is. Sex and sexual energy allow us a direct physical experience of the divine within ourselves and with others–a direct connection to the center of everything.”
I love her. Thank you Barbra. She speaks to my soul about this path of Sensual Tantric Healing….to embrace this incredible energy of our sexuality as being divine, and NECESSARY for us to heal as whole human beings.
And check out my site as I begin to add some new offerings, pictures and more….Blessings as always on your healing path, may love guide your way home.