Don’t waste time on things that don’t feel good” She says to me smiling sweetly. It seems so simple when she says it in between bites of a delicious sinful egg and english muffin sandwich, comfort food I would never let myself have but would secretly crave. The strict New York woman I have become-gotta be fit!. And healthy.! No time for going off the diet… But secretly craving something sinful. She challenged me. To see how strict and regimented I had become. How often I didn’t let the animal instinctual part of myself out to taste life. To make mistakes and fall down and get a little messy in pursuit of the soul. Get a little messy in pursuit of soul….I had to say it again to hear the deliciousness of these words.
She had let herself do these things. Have a beer at 9 in the morning one time and smoke pot with the cute stranger at the party, when she had a serious client in the morning. One time she ditched out on two online course times just because she HAD to go dancing…..Somehow she was able to indulge in these things without letting it get like totally out of hand. She was able to take small sips of pleasure just to balance her equation of meditation, yoga, and the spiritual search. She was able somehow to stay balanced, whilst being a rebel. It was impressive. And I wanted it. And she knew I wanted it and I felt was secretly taunting me a little, in a good way, to make me see my own desires and witness my own up tightness….To also be show that it was okay, and actually beneficial to follow the path of the hedonist at times. The sacred hedonist. Not to escape life but to celebrate it. There was a win win in celebration.
It created a spark. A glow. A fragrance of something wild and potential and illuminating. It opened doors, it signed checks, it got the balls rolling, it found partners and friends and houses and jobs. Because celebration was infectious. It was a fire that burned things down to open things back up. It was the magic elixir that juiced all the parts to keep them working and humming and loving and moving. Celebration. It was the ultimate YES to life and something this great planet was missing way too much of…because of a deep misunderstanding of what it actually was and is. Of the potent healing affect of celebration, of the way it challenged all our out dated beliefs that sacrafice was the way to the good life.
I began to look at all the things I had done that week that didn’t feel good. I continued to practice yoga at a studio that I just didn’t like. The teachers were rude, the postures made my body hurt and worse than that it smelled and the people looked a little bit crazy. But I continued to go, feeling bad about being “judgemental” and maybe it was “good for me”. But it wasn’t and I knew it. I had accepted an apartment in a neighborhood I had never felt good in. I thought well maybe this time, I would. But I didn’t. In fact I felt oppressed and un-inspired. Spending time with a friend whose beliefs and words about life left me feeling turned off and a bit retracted. A bit like “why am I hanging out with someone who believes these things about life and its people?“A bit like “why do I spend time in a place where I don’t feel seen or heard?” I found myself thinking maybe I was expecting too much….I was needy…I was wounded…..all of these thoughts made it MY fault. When maybe the person was kind of a jerk….You know, it happens like this sometimes. People are jerks and it has nothing to do with us. Why was it always my fault for whatever dynamic I was feeling with another? For sure there are two people creating the dynamic, but why was it always MY fault?
I began to notice all the ways I was not standing my ground for things I believe in, things I wanted, things I felt passionately for. At the movies with a friend I really wanted to see the one about the girl who keeps going but I found myself saying “whatever you want to see” to a friend who was more than happy to choose the one about the guy with the sword. As I was planning my travels to another city I found myself saying yes to accommodations I was less than jazzed about. Accommodations I could have created in a different way if I had only just chosen to go with the inner promptings and desire. Little things in life, but still….I was letting life just happen without my participation and I was desperate to figure out why. Why was I letting life pass me by without claiming some piece of it as mine instead of defaulting to whatever everybody else wanted? Why was what others wanted more important than what I wanted. Especially if in many circumstances there were some definite desires unfolding.….
I don’t have the answer yet, other than a cliche new age answer I can give you, that I really don’t want to give you until I have really worked it out within and revealed something of truth. I did however follow the reccomendation of a friend and ordered this book…
Blessings on your path…I will write more on this topic soon when I have uncovered a meaningful answer that isn’t straight up cliche or psycho spiritual babble:)